Wednesday, August 3, 2011

MST3K best of the best: part 3

It Lives By Night

Let’s watch a movie where a man turns into a bat, or bat-like creature…well you really don’t see him as a bat, ever – he looks more like walking beef jerky by films end. I guess when people were done blazing up in the 70s they would watch crappy horror films like this. Calling It Lives By Night a horror film isn’t accurate anyways, it probably would’ve worked better if it hadn’t been made at all. That wouldn’t do because we wouldn’t have gotten MST3K…MST3K’ed?

If you can watch the MST3K Rough Cut version it’s even better: it’s essentially the un-edited first pass of the film, many of the jokes used weren’t even featured in the final version. While this stinker isn’t on par with Werewolf, it does come close to absolute awfulness.

Favorite Quote:

[Doctor convulses]

Mike: “I’m having sex!”

Night of the Blood Beast

I had no idea NASA was owned by five people and ran out of a garage, Night of the Blood Beast should be used as an educational tool; children could learn a lot about the space program from this movie. For example you can’t work at NASA unless your name is Steve, everybody that works at NASA is named Steve, it’s law. And not only is there only one vehicle at NASA there’s a power station located conveniently next to the main building or only building I should say.

This black-and-white piss poor example of a film is heightened only be the constant japes of Mike, Crow and Servo. Whether it is pointing out how stupid everybody acts to the convoluted and pointless plot; Mike and the other make this a gem to view. I nearly wet myself the first time I watched it and Crow said, “get Steve on it!” or when the dead pilot is examined, Mike and the ‘bots just keep saying, “it’s like he’s dead or something.” You have to watch this one.

Favorite Quote:

[Monster jumps into the bushes to escape]

Mike: “huh, huh -- I regret nothing!”

Santa Claus

Santa Claus is supposed to give children nightmares, right? Well if that’s not his job, you sure have me fooled with this one. Santa Claus doesn’t employ elves much anymore; instead he enslaves children from all around the world. He may be a slaving semi-pedophile, but damn it he’s no racist!

The message in this film is so confounding. Wait a minute are Santa and Satan in a battle for the fate of the world? If that’s the case why wasn’t this movie way more awesome? Because that’s a killer premise. Instead the devil dances around in red tights and tries to turn unsuspecting kids against dear Old St. Nick. The MST3K crew didn’t need much to turn this into one of the best episodes, they could have just ran the movie without the riffing and it still would have been great.

Favorite Quote:

Crow: “Wow, Santa’s doing the forbidden dance.”

The Sword and the Dragon

The fantasy fanciful epics of the Russian people make for gripping cinema. Say what you want this film is uplifting. A cripple rises up and becomes a hero – seriously you’d have to have a heart of stone to not think that’s inspiring. And despite what Mike and the ‘bots proclaim, the movie isn’t Finnish it’s Russian, but who cares right?

The goofy re-dud does send this film into catastrophic mediocrity, but it sure is fun to watch. Mike, Crow, and Servo don’t seem to know what they are viewing, they’re just as spellbound as us; to be sure, what makes this one of my favorite MST3K installments is how entertaining the film is by itself. It’s no Lord of the Rings, but the world is so delightfully odd and obtuse that it becomes charming. While it doesn’t have the laughs per minute like a Prince of Space or Space Mutiny it’s still just as enjoyable to watch as those.

Favorite Quote:

…Uhm, I really don’t have one.

The Wild World of Batwoman

Oh, okay so a movie about Batwoman, that should be fun. You know female superheroes don’t get enough respect…wait what now? It’s not about the Batwoman, oh, well then what is it about? Hmm, a scantily clad women and her group of air head followers, who battle a man named Ratfink. Yes, yes that’s really what’s going on here.

Man, this movie is ridiculous I don’t even know where to start…actually I won’t start anywhere. I leave you with a scene from Wild World of Batwoman; it’s all that needs to be said about this film.

Final Justice

Does Joe Don Baker filter gravy directly into his veins? Actually that’s uncalled-for besides an all pork-fat diet takes time to work it’s magic, pace yourself Joe Don, pace yourself or you’ll soon be wearing a pacemaker, ZING! Oh, Joe Don Baker is fat.

No, seriously this is a good one. Any time Joe Don’s face is planted squarely on screen Mike, Servo and Crow have something to say. They aren’t all fat jokes…well, maybe they are but there’s still some fun to be had elsewhere in the movie. I’ve never watched a film that loops back to the same scene purposefully. Joe Don spends half the film in a jail cell, and when he gets out he’s sent right back.

While not much happens in Final Justice, a little MST3K-style riffing can go a long way, and this movie is instantly better with the Satellite of Love’s inhabitants cracking wise.

Favorite Quote/ Moment:

The entire end credit sequence is pure gold!

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