The Horror of Party Beach
Forget monsters the horror is the dancing that goes on at Party Beach. The true scares come from effeminate men dancing with shorts that have to be cutting off circulation to their man-hood – what little they have. And a live band that has a singer use skull looks like it’s going to pop out of his face. The fight scene…well given the time frame it’s more of a “romp”, where a person is actually used as a battering ram – I’m actually surprised everyone didn’t break into song afterwards.
The monster that takes 30 minutes to arrive is comically hideous; he literally has a mouth full of hotdogs. I guess that passes for scary? “A monster, with a love for Beef Franks, oh no!”
The movie ends with one of the strangest scenes ever. One of the main characters, named Elaine, just moans off screen for about 2 minutes. The screen actually transitions away and she can still be heard panting and huffing in the background, it’s so odd. You can’t help but laugh when Servo then starts groaning soon after. I don’t know if it’s the worst ending to a movie or the best. Just the opening beach party is good for a few laughs alone, but the rest of the “riff” is pretty darn good too.
Favorite Quote:
“Your father was badly burned…but he’ll be alright!”
Final Sacrifice
I’m by no means ashamed to be Canadian, but boy does this movie test those limits. Outside of Justin Bieber, Final Sacrifice may be the worst thing to come from the Great North. It’s a horrid film with little redeeming qualities. It does have a guy with an awesome name, Zap Rowsdower! The word “awesome” does mean awful, right?
Anyways, the plot loosely revolves around a cult that supposedly ruled the Earth eons ago – watching makes me doubt they could rule over a plate of bacon let alone the world.
This film also stars the nerdiest kid ever. Some little twerp that wears the same red sweater the whole film, and worships Dolphins’ great Larry Csonka…no really! The movie’s absurd, accompanied by some fantastic commentary by the MST3K crew. They try to keep the Canada bashing to a minimum, but it’s hard to restrain oneself when faced with such horror. A fan favorite, Final Sacrifice is the worst that Canada can offer, and the MST3K crew tears it apart.
Favorite Quote:
Really any time the kid says, “Rowsdower.”
Werewolf
“When people see my movie I want that them to say, ‘what did she say…I can’t understand her’”. The actors are just one of the many, many absurd choices in this film. The editing is all over the place, scenery changes at random (and so do hairstyles). The acting is abysmal, but in an “over-acting” sort of way, so it’s damn humorous.
Mike and the ‘bots seems just as confused by the meandering plot as the audience is, if there is a plot. I didn’t know if you dug up fossilized bones, cut yourself on one, you would then turn into that creature – in this instance a werewolf, It’s science! Common sense even.
The only time you actually get to see a werewolf it looks like a dog crossed with a lion, only it doesn’t look nearly as cool as that mix would seem. Sure the movie is bad, but I wouldn’t have thought it so bad if the MST3K guys weren’t pointing out gapping plot holes and half-assed editing. By itself this would be a tough movie to sit through, luckily you don’t have to -- Mike, Servo, and Crow make this one enjoyable all the way through.
Favorite:
“He thinks he’s turning into a weerwelf!”
Pumaman
Tell me are pumas known for their great flying capabilities? Are they truly the most aerially inclined of all felines? Ah, man I should have paid more attention in school; you think the only cat that could fly would be something I’d remember. Anyway…this move’s shit.
I guess the Pumaman is a superhero, or an alien – alien-superhero? I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. His only opposition is a bland bald man, so I’m sure he can take care of that with his…flying powers, fingernail claws, and the ability to teleport. Wow, pumas are like the Gandalf of the animal kingdom.
Some scenes are pure gold. Like the Pumaman dropping a victim from the sky, who’s clearly in front of a green-screen – the scenery is actually at an adjacent angle to which he’s falling; unless Pumaman can manipulate gravity and physics -- which sounds about as logical as anything else in this film.
Some movies aired on MST3K are so awful there’s little need for the commentary. It’s just frosty on the delicious puma flavored cake in this instance. Have a few beers before watching this one, and trust me you’ll be rolling of the floor in no time.
Favorite Quote:
Crow: “Pu-ma-man he flies like a moron!”
The Leech Women
Leech Women grew on me upon subsequent viewings; I should probably get it checked out. The first 30 minutes are really where most of the hard-hitting jokes from Mike, Servo, and Crow are felt. It’s still enjoyable towards the end, but the opening alone is worth seeking this one out.
The banter between a struggling couple isn’t something I’d open a movie with, and yet here it is! Mike and the ‘bots fix that quick, for every harsh slap across the face the couple dishes out Mike and others throw one right back into the scene – taking any tension the scene would have had and turning in into a riot – the first half of this episode is where the main differences between host’s Mike Nelson and Joel Hodgson seem apparent.
Mike can brighten up even the dullest most boring scene. Joel always fell back on pointing out the obvious, which would make listless scenes in films just as boring. Mike can make a horror film light-hearted, Joel just took the pacing of a film as is. I diverged from my synopsis of Leech Women somewhat – suffice it to say this one’s has a great first half, it tails off later in the film; still the first half is funnier than some entire episodes.
Favorite Quote:
Mike: “And yet she’s only in her late two-hundreds.”
Merlin’s Shop of Mythical Wonders
Why Merlin would come to our time, open a shop, and sell or give away only destructive/ demonic items is beyond me. Maybe that’s what passed for humor in the Middle Ages? Selling items that kill your customers seems like a bad business practice, ah, but what do I know?
This one’s creepy. It’s really two shorts spliced together, neither relating to each other. A reporter takes Merlin’s spell book, and a robber steals Merlin’s monkey puppet…thing. Both are incredibly destructive, still Merlin takes his time retrieving both. I can’t blame him, if I had his wife I’d be dead inside too.
MST3K interject their jokes into the mix a lot. You can tell which movies they had fun watching and scripting beforehand by the amount lines they deliver throughout. I really don’t know what tone this movie was going for, whatever it was it didn’t work. Still it made a fine film for Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Favorite Quote:
Servo: [Mocking Merlin] “You’re welcome.”
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